What did he see? "Honestly, not a whole lot," he reports, "Basically, we have your standard plot of European vampire moving to America, establishing himself in a run-down location, picking some schmoo to be his local lackey and sending this poor retard to maim, kill, and retrieve food for him."
"Food," in this case, is women. "They are food for Dracula and for his lackey, who is transformed from hapless reporter to novice jackalman simply by the vampire's will. Dracula may as well say 'poof!' and make it so. But like Andreas from The Return of the Vampire, Irving Jackalman eventually resists the vampire's will. In this case it's because he wants a woman to rape, and Dracula won't let him. So they slap one another around, Dracula bashes in Irving's head with a rock (that already has Irving's blood painted on!), then just happens to stagger backwards out of his cave into the sunlight. Noticing his peril, he staggers back inside, and into his coffin. But it's too late. His hand becomes a skeleton, and then his whole coffin disappears, as do the female victims he's left hanging naked on scaffolds, and the scaffolds -- for a while. The vampire's demise cures Irving of jackalmanhood, and he celebrates by screwing his girlfriend in the cave, just after she's finally thrown her clothes back on after running through the cave for long minutes, never noticing the cave entrance within twenty feet of where she'd started. That may sound silly, but the scenes of the woman running through the cave clad only in her shoes is actually one the few highlights of the film."
Werewolf (well, jackalman) and vampire on a collision course of terror!
Victims: Stricken by the jackalman's claws (above) and the vampire's bite (below!)
Make no mistake: this film is inept at every level. The cave set barely qualifies as a set, the bat effects (on a stick!) are indisputably the worst ever, and (our admiration for some of the actresses aside) it fails almost completely as softcore porn. As a failed comedy it's in the danger zone of eligibility for Worst Movie of All Time, but I think it has just enough distinguishing eccentricity to save it from infamy. Just bear in mind that this is a comedy you'll be laughing at rather than with.
Dracula the Dirty Old Man headlines a Something Weird DVD from the good old days of their Image Entertainment deal, packed with extras. Along with the trailers and promo art galleries, there's a second feature (Guess What Happened to Count Dracula, to be covered later), the aforementioned debacle Dracula and the Dirty Old Witch and another good-sized short, Sex and the Single Vampire. This one is worthy of note because it compels me to report that a young John C. Holmes as the disgruntled-then-(slightly) aroused vampire, is probably the best actor on the entire disc. Judge the contents accordingly.
Or simply judge from this clip uploaded to Dailymotion by scootaway: